Justin Bieber Celebrity Quotes
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1. Kevin Hart: “He’s got a perfume called Girlfriend. That’s not gangster, Justin!”
Roastmaster Kevin Hart took great pleasure in enumerating the many ways in which Bieber is not a gangster, from nearly getting punched by Orlando Bloom to throwing eggs as retaliation against a particularly unfriendly neighbor — but all he really needed to do was remind us of Bieber’s perfume line. (He also has a scent called “Someday,” Kevin. We can’t make this stuff up.)
2. Pete Davidson: “Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life involving a plane.”
The newbie Saturday Night Live star made this crack mere seconds after reminding the audience that his firefighter father died on 9/11. Immediately after that joke, a cameraman panned to an audience member who appeared to be actually crying. He probably should have saved his tears for this one.
3. Ludacris: “You’re not tough, Justin. I’m here to let you know, man. I know you’ve been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much like a pussy on the show, Ellen tried to eat you.”
Kevin Hart gave this joke a standing ovation.
4. Natasha Leggero: “Kevin has a Napoleon complex. Kevin, Napoleon was the leader of France. Ludacris, France is in Europe. Justin, Europe’s a continent. Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast.”
The comedienne managed to knock down three whole roasters and the roastee in less than a minute, with a nifty historical lesson thrown in for good measure. Cue Rudy clap.
5. Natasha Leggero: “Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history.”
Leggero’s entire set was so biting, so sharp, and so painful that Kevin Hart requested an extra ovation for her after she was already back in the relative safety of her cushy chair. Bieber might not have actually cried during his roast (at least, that we know of), but we’re betting that Leggero’s zingers are the ones that will haunt him once the rest of his wounds have healed.
6. Shaquille O’Neal: “Last year you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-un didn’t even score that low, and he uses your music to fuckin’ torture people.”
7. Chris D’Elia: “Kevin is a good guy, and of course he’s here because he can’t say no to anything. Last week, he hosted an ISIS beheading video on Reddit.”
Hart’s number one takeaway from D’Elia’s set? Not any lingering resentment towards the comedian, but nothing short of abject horror. “Goddammit, Chris, that was dark!,” Hart screamed afterwards, and everyone looked on in mostly dazed agreement.
8. Chris D’Elia: “You look like Sisqo fucked Peter Pan and then got cast on Orange Is the New Black.“
It’s so nice that Sisqo was there in spirit.
9. Martha Stewart: “I taught Snoop that the most important thing in business is diversification. Besides his music, he’s produced a porn movie. And, by the way, Natasha, you were great in that. I guess tonight’s the second time you’ve worked with five black guys.”
Martha Stewart was in jail, and don’t you ever forget it.
10. Jeff Ross: “Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now.”
11. Jeff Ross: “If Anne Frank heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.”
Rampant historical inaccuracies aside, this just might be the best dig centered on that bizarre “Anne Frank would have been a Belieber” kerfuffle ever issued. (It’s also one of the very few Ross jabs fit for print.)
12. Snoop Dogg: “You have released so many horrible and unwatchable videos, you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS.”
This is not a joke about ISIS. This is a joke about Vanilla Ice, and is thus deeply appropriate for a roast mocking Justin Bieber.
Justin Bieber Quotes:
- I’m crazy, I’m nuts. Just the way my brain works. I’m not normal. I think differently. My mind is always racing.
- [never plans on becoming an American citizen] You guys are evil. Canada’s the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don’t need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you’re broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard’s baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home.
- I want to be a young dad. By 25 or 26 I want to see myself, like, married or start looking for a family.
- All our decisions are based on long-term decisions. We use Michael [Jackson] as a template. The things he did for his career – a lot of the times it’s was good, some of the times it was bad – but he was successful from being young to being old. That’s what I want to get to. I don’t want to grow up and lose my young fans, singing inappropriate music.
- My voice always wanted to do runs, vocal acrobatics. Rather than make music that everyone else is making, with the same four-on-the-floor beat, I have a chance to change music. There’s only a certain amount if people that can do that.
- I believe in God and stuff. I believe He’s given me this platform for a reason, to help change people’s lives. That’s why, in each of my shows, I try to give a positive message.
- [observation, 2015] I turned a lot of people off over the past few years, but I know I can still turn out good music and turn everything all around. I’ve lost some of my best qualities. For that I’m sorry. I’m looking forward to being someone who you guys can all look at and be proud of.
- I’m a pretty lucky guy.
- Music was never something that I was going to do for a living. At 13 you’re not even thinking of that, you know. I was just playing for fun and uploading videos on YouTube because I wanted to show my family.
- I was always that kid who just did whatever. And my mom always supported that. So I always looked up to Michael Jackson because he was never afraid to just be himself, never tried to be anything that he wasn’t.
- I’m just trying to get the best sound and have it be consistent and make sense with what I’m going through in my life right now.