Funny Facebook Status Updates

 Funny Facebook Statuses:

  • That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn’t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn’t brushed her teeth in forever.
  • Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
  • My house has really let itself go.
  • like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn’t have the same effect.
  • My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
  • My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
  • The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
  • If someone starts a sentence with “words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
  • My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again.
  • My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
  • Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead.
  • The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
  • Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
  • The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don’t even have to hide a body.
  • The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it’s full of ceiling fans.
  • It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
  • Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
  • “I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional
  • I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there’s my drink.
  • For an “adult” bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books.
  • Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.
  • In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
  • I’m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
  • No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
  • I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
  • The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
  • The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far.
  • I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
  • “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
  • If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
  • Who named the walkie talkie and why isn’t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
  • I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
  • I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
  • Swearing: because sometimes “golly gee” and “meany” just don’t cut it.
  • Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? “It’s open.”
  • I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
  • My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
  • I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
  • Why do they ask you “Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who’s accent is so thick you can’t understand them?
  • How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
Facebook has over 350 million active users. More than 35 million users update their status each day, with more than 55 million status updates each day!
  • My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
  • I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
  • I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
  • Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
  • Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
  • I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
  • You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small … vocabulary.
  • Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, “I like where I wake up to always be a surprise.”
  • This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
  • I’m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
  •  Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
  • I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t’s totally different.
  • Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
  • Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
  • No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
  • I’m not lazy, I’m in energy saving mode.
  • The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
  • I’m absolutely positive I’d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
  • Life is too short to match socks.
  • I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
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